5 Things We’ve Learned & Experienced So Far in Marriage
I got asked the other day how marriage was going.
I said, “We’re 3 months in and it’s still great!”
Before marriage, I had heard a lot of different ideas, like that the first year was hard, that marriage itself was great but takes a lot of work, that you learn in a new way how selfish you are….
And here we were, in the middle of a pandemic, getting married.
Three months later, it’s really as you can expect: we’re still learning, growing, and finding ways to love each other better than the day before.
For those hoping to get married, are getting married soon, are newlyweds, or anyone at all curious, I wrote this for you. I hope this gives some perspective to the realizations you may have in your own beginning marriages.
The Importance of Repenting
We’ve found that we fall a little deeper in love the more days and weeks that go by. That also means we feel our guilt more deeply when we mess up and aren’t being the best versions of ourselves that we could be.
I’ve heard that in marriage you learn how selfish you are and I 100% agree. When your life is no longer your own but a shared one, you realize how much more you think about yourself than the other person. It’s completely natural, but it’s something a lot of us have to unlearn once we’re married. If you’re not sacrificial in the small things, the cracks in your foundation start to show.
My advice: Start paying attention to this earlier and make it a habit before you’re married. And if you mess up, apologize, ask forgiveness, and together plan a way to be better. Not just say you will, but actually plan it. That’s the only way to show your sincerity and move forward to deepening your love.
2. Boundaries with the opposite sex
I’m going to say the wisdom that I have heard, learned and gained from personal experience: set boundaries. Set emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries. This is an underestimated decision that, without meaning to, can hurt your marriage.
You will never be more intimate than with the person you are committed to for life. Together you are one. That means don’t do anything that would take away part of you (emotionally, physically, spiritually) to give to someone who isn’t your intimate partner. Intimacy is not just physical.
Advice: Don’t hang out with the opposite sex and have deep talks without your husband or wife present. You are a team - no other form of intimacy should separate the two of you. This kind of harmless act is how physical and emotional cheating happens. We’re only human, and it’s not really something worth risking.
3. Being a team in financial decisions
Look at the stats and you’ll see that financial issues are one of the biggest reasons why couples argue or split up. If you believe you’re a team, then that has to show in how you go about making financial decisions. You have to decide between the two of you what that looks like. If you go to the store to get groceries, does he or she need to know? If you buy a computer, does he or she care?
Advice: Set an expectation for what you need to tell each other about. Also set an expectation for savings, goals, future plans, etc.
4. Ask frequently about their “love tank”
Ask each other frequently how each other’s “love tank” is doing. You’re basically asking how loved he or she feels. Have you missed something and didn’t realize it? We get busy with life and sometimes we forget to love our person in the way he or she needs it. For example, sometimes I like cooking alone because it gives me an opportunity to create. However, I don’t always have the energy to. There are moments where Adam asks, “Do you want help? I’ll make dinner” and I say yes because I love acts of service. When I’m really tired, and he serves me, I feel very loved.
Out of 1-10, be honest with where you are at. Sometimes you may not even realize it yourself until you’re asked. Asking this to check-in may help you avoid a situation later on.
Advice: Learn to frequently ask how your significant other’s “love tank” is doing. Have you given enough quality time? Acts of service? Gifts? Physical touch? Words of affirmation? Start asking these questions in your dating/engaged relationship and you’ll be much more prepared for marriage. If it helps, go on a walk to catch up and spend time just talking.
5. Prioritizing the YOU that is your wife/husband
I’ve said it and I’ll say it again: you are one; you are a team. Your needs become his and his needs become yours. If you’re thirsty, he probably is too. If you’re craving one-on-one time, then he should want to give you that like it’s his own need. Even if his friends want to go out, you’re a priority. And in doing this, he’s speaking your love language: quality time. That’s an easy way to love in two ways.
Advice: Learn to prioritize each other. Because love requires sacrifice, a part of what you want has to be given up. And you know what? Next time you need something, your significant other will be happy and full of the love you gave to pour it back into you later on. It’s a cycle that keeps repeating. Don’t break the cycle by selfish desires in a moment.
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Marriage takes commitment & work
In theory, these all may make a lot of sense to you. However, marriage is about loving each other sacrificially. If Adam and I aren’t aiming to be better at that a little more every day, we’re not actively learning how to love each other more deeply.
Marriage takes work - the commitment to work. Just because we may read 5 marriage books one day doesn’t make us wiser the next - it just makes us more knowledgeable. If we act on what we learn, then we’ll become wiser.
Unity over victory
In the end, every time, choose unity over victory. We’re learning that it doesn’t matter how right each of us feels or how much we want to win an argument. Victory in a moment won’t help yours or our marriages. But deciding to figure out what we need to do to be united? That will move our marriages into deeper, committed love.
Check out some marriage resources we really enjoyed reading together and growing from: